Something happened and I felt like sharing.
The past few days have been quite stressful to the point my nervous system has been acting up and my chest has been so tight and painful. My nervous system is still a work in progress. After being totally fried last july, it’s recovering. I know I’ll get to a point where it’s fully healed. I just need to be more gentle with my feelings and more compassionate with myself.
I won’t go into the details of the situation as it’s not what matters here. But last night, I ended up sending a text that said:
I can’t understand how you let fear dictate your life and in the process close yourself off to opportunities that could make you happy. Or maybe this is a disease amongst the human race. How many people are willing to give away their freedom to live just because they fear of dying? I lived in a state of underlaid fear my whole life until recently. I’ve made some bold choices to follow my heart and create the life that I want. Yes, I could be living on the streets three months from now, but there’s also the chance that I get what I want. I choose freedom and creativity over fear. I choose my own guidance instead of society’s expectations of me. Fear keeps us unhappy and depressed because we don’t follow our heart. And our heart just want to express itself and create the best life ever.
I was talking from my own experience with fear. It was like talking to myself. And, I am aware that this person and I had shared this underlaid fear without even knowing it. But it’s probably the same for a lot of people. We just have to take a look at the state of the world.
Fear kept me in a golden cage where I was so grasping for safety that it made it impossible for me to see the palette of choices that was upon me. I was thinking from a I want safety kind of place. But I have to be gentle with myself here. Growing up in a chaotic home with no support at all made me crave for safety, anywhere, anyhow, even just breadcrumbs of safety. It was alright as long as I could survive. I wasn’t thriving. I was struggling. But it was an inner struggle that no one could see so I looked like a normal person on the outside. You can be unhappy with your life without going through depression. And you cango through depression and not have anyone else outside of your intimate circle know about it. If there’s something that I have learned from my own experience is to never judge a book by its cover. You never know what’s going on with people behind closed doors.
Yes, fear keeps you from living. And, I am not talking about a logic and normal fear here. You know, the kind that would keep you from doing anything stupid and extremely dangerous that could cost you your life. I’m just talking about daily actions, beliefs and copying mechanisms that just want to keep you safe and therefore, never change, never evolve and stay stuck.
I’ve made bold choices lately and a big part of me is proud and excited and a tiny part of me, the one that’s been showing up for the past few days, feels stressed and anxious. I could live on the streets less than three months from now. But this is the message that I am sending to my conscious, subconscious and higher self/soul or how ever you wanna call it.
I want to feel free in every decision that I make and every step that I take. I wanna be inspired and create in every way that I can. Less than 3 months from now, I wanna live in a place that I call home with someone that I’ll adore who’ll be ready and willing to grow as a person and grow with me as a couple. I want a house and a garden. I want to have amazing clients with whom I’ll be doing incredible work with! I want joy, health, abundance. I wanna have a social life and be open to the outside world. I want to be healthier than I’ve ever been and wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, knowing that I’ll be doing all the things that I love during the day. Things that I have chosen to do from my heart.
This is where I want to be 3 months from now. This is what my heart desires. I want to Live with a big L. I want to be in love with life, with a big L as well. Just existing is not enough for me anymore. I wanna experience the best that life has to offer! And for me, it is freedom, love and creativity.
What does your best life look like?